With some time and space, I can now see ‘my worst nightmare’ of endless weeks and months on my own has actually been a gift. Time to get to know me, to reconnect with my passions and interests which involve creative writing (a book is in progress) and exploring a spiritual side which has led me to have some brilliant experiences.
I’m now more grateful for what I have in my life. In particular, my small, but incredibly lovely house. It was something I used to describe as a “holding bay” until the right man came to fill the man-shaped hole I allowed to be created within my heart. Sometimes, it was where my son and I would have a “pit stop”- somewhere to eat and sleep, not to enjoy, or actually be.
I love being a mum but definitely found it harder after my marriage ended. It was as if we weren’t a proper family. Having 12 weeks together during the lockdown (and attempting to home-school) has made my son and I even closer and his cheeky little ways have definitely helped me. I feel in the past I resented him as I embarked on a newly single life, but now I can see we are a family and we’re perfect as we are – just the two of us.
I’ve started to enjoy the simple things in life. I’m still a do-er and I doubt that will ever change. What I’ve rediscovered is a buzz about doing the things I love. For example, being asked to share my story here is a feeling that will never make me feel ‘pretty hopeless’.
I feel joy from simple things like socially distanced visits from my parents (a huge help) and even putting lipstick on to do my food shop – you never know if Jamie Redknapp is going to frequent my local Aldi! I can see the benefits of not having an annoying other-half who can’t put his socks in the laundry or load the dishwasher. I can eat what I like when I like. I can sleep when I like, until whenever I like. And that’s a gift – for however long it lasts.
I’m not so conditioned to being on my own that I don’t want another relationship – I definitely do want the happy ending worthy of a Richard Curtis film. But, it is my responsibility to create the life I’ve always dreamed of and I’m lucky to have the time and space allowing the great things I want from life to happen for me. I don’t have the desperate air to ‘meet somebody’ like I used to. I can honestly say, for the first time in years, I’m really happy on my own and if this pandemic has taught me anything, it’s this:
“I’m not pretty hopeless on my own. I’m pretty frickin’ awesome on my own.”